Healthy Relationships & Bystander Intervention Training

This project was supported by Grant No. 2020-WA-AX-0023 awarded by the Office on Violence Against Women, U.S. Department of Justice. The opinions, findings, conclusions, and recommendations expressed in this publication/ program/ exhibition are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the U.S. Department of Justice. 

Recognizing Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships

Goals

• Learn to define, set, and maintain different types of boundaries.
• Identify and reflect on the differences between healthy and unhealthy relationships.

Why learning about healthy relationships is important before learning about bystander intervention

Values and Boundaries

Values: what we think is important - help guide us to be the people we want to be. 

     Ex: respect, dependable, integrity, generous, relationships, open-minded, curiosity,      responsible, creativity, leadership, getting out of comfort zone, sense of safety

Boundary: A line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line.

• • “In-bounds” meaning acceptable

It is important for each of us to think about what values we need to communicate and what boundaries are healthy to set in our different relationships. Respecting one another helps create the communities we want to live in.

• • “Out-of-bounds” meaning unacceptable

Types of Boundaries

• Physical: Personal space and physical touch
• Mental: Thoughts, opinions, and ideas
• Emotional: Feelings; emotional intimacy
• Sexual: Emotional, mental, and physical aspects of sexuality
• Material: Money and possessions
• Time: How a person uses their time
• Social: Who someone sends time with or communicates with

Setting Boundaries: What to Say

• “Are you comfortable  with this?”
• “Let me think about it and I will get back to you.”
• “No, but here is what I can do.”
• “What do you think about this?”
• “This is what I would prefer.”
• “I have changed my mind.”

Green Flags

• Respects boundaries and limits – honors consent
• Supports the need for separate friendships and activities
• Communicates about, and can resolve, conflict
• Values listening just as much as talking
• Encourages success and self-care

Red Flags

• Isolates from others
• Avoids conflict or unwilling to resolve conflict
• Too much or too little sharing
• Little trust
• Lack of respect
• Pushes boundaries
• Identity abuse (threatening to out a closeted queer person)

Red flags alone do not necessarily indicate abusive behavior. When red flags become largely about power and control, this is when behavior can become abusive and lead to stalking, sexual assault, and intimate partner violence.

Graphic: Power and Control: Physical and Sexual Violence

USING INITIMIDATION: Making her afraid by using looks, actions, gestures

USING EMOTIONAL ABUSE: Putting her down ; Making her feel bad about herself  /  Calling her names  /  Making her thaink she's crazy  /  Playing mind games  /  Humiliating her  /  Making her fee guilty.

USING ISOLATION: Controlling what she does, who she sees and talks to, what she reas, where she goes  /  Limiting her outside involvement  /  Using jealousy to justify actions.

MINIMIZING, DENYING AND BLAMING: Making light of the abuse and not taking her concerns about it seriously  /  Saying the abuse didn't happen  /  Shifting responsibility for abusive behavior  /  Saying she caused it.

USING CHILDREN: Making her feel guilty about the children  /  Using the children to relay messages  /  Using visitation to harass her  /  Threatening to take the children away.

USING MALE PRIVILEGE: Treating her like a servant  /  Making all the big decisions  /  Acting like the "master of the castle"  /  Being the one to define men's and women's roles.

USING ECONOMIC ABUSE: Preventing her from getting or keeping a job  /  Making her ask for money  /  Taking her money  /  Not letting her know about of have acess to family income.

USING COERCION AND THREATS: Making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt her  /  Threatening to leave her, to commit suicide, to report her to welfare  /  Making her drop charges  /  Making her do illegal things.

Basics of Stalking, Intimate Partner Violence, and Sexual Assault

1. Stalking
2. Intimate partner violence: Dating and domestic violence
3. Sexual assault

Green or Red Flags? Stalking​

Green or Red Flags? Intimate partner violence

Green or Red Flags? Sexual assault

Bystander Intervention and Prevention

Goals

• Equip you to identify risk and recognizing warning signs
• Recognize what might keep you from intervening
• Increase your motivation and confidence to help
• Empower you to act on your values
• To provide you options and practice for intervening

I-SAS

• Intervene —> Direct, Distract, Delegate
• Share
• Ask
• Support

What is a Bystander?

Active Bystander / Passive Bystander

Using I-SAS

• Intervene
• Share
• Ask
• Support

What Would You Do? - Party

You are at a party. During the past hour you notice your friend Chris has been talking to one of your housemates Sam. They seem to be having a good time but it is clear that Chris has had a fair amount to drink. At one point you overhear Sam say, “I’m just going to get Chris  ‘one more.’  A few minutes later you see Sam put an arm around Chris and start to lead Chris upstairs.

MOST PEOPLE WANT TO DO THE RIGHT THING BUT MAY NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO

What gets in the way of helping?

• General Barriers
• Personal Barriers
• Peer Influence

General Barriers to Helping

• The more people that are around the less likely we are to help because we think someone else will. And the less people that are around, the more likely we are to help (Diffusion of responsibility - BYSTANDER EFFECT)
• What if what I am seeing isn’t an emergency, or what if I make a big deal out of nothing, risk of embarrassment can stop us from intervening (Evaluation apprehension)
• Looking to others to see how they respond, when we are unsure if something is an emergency or not (Pluralistic ignorance)
• If we believe that someone is the cause of their own misfortune, we are less likely to help (Cause of misfortune - VICTIM BLAMING)
• If we see someone help, we are more likely to help, put another way if someone sees us helping, they are more likely to get involved (Helping model)

Personal Barriers to Helping

• Personality traits
• Values
• What you have learned from your family and society

Peer Influence & Social Acceptance

Naming Our Barriers

• You are walking back from class at 8pm when you hear two people shouting at each other nearby, one screams “you are worthless, you can’t do anything right.”
• You see two men start to push each other in the middle of the campus, one grabs the other by the shirt and starts shaking him.
• You are at a party, and you see two people getting snuggly. Both seem pretty drunk. One whispers in the others ear and then leads them upstairs.
• You overhear someone in class making a rape joke.
• You’ve notice that your friend is constantly needing to check in with her partner. They text her a million times a day and she doesn’t seem to want to reciprocate the attention.

Why YOU are someone to help

• You can set the example by acting in healthy and respectful ways
• You will be in some situation in which you can help in the future
• Friends are usually in a better position to do something
• Many times, a situation leading to sexual assault happens in a group setting
• We can make a big difference by being the first to step forward – remember people will help when they see us helping

I-SAS

• Intervene
• Direct, Distract, Delegate
• Share
• Share what is concerning you with the appropriate person
• Ask
• Ask if someone is ok, how you can help, or if someone can help you with addressing the situation
• Support
• Provide support that is helpful, safe, and within your abilities

I-SAS - Direct Example: Joke

A friend tells a sexist, racist, homophobic or transphobic joke in-person or online.

• Intervene: Direct
• Share: I don’t like jokes that make fun of other people. They make other people think it is ok to talk like that or may make some people not feel safe.
• Ask: Next time, can you please think of the effects that jokes like have before deciding to share them?
• Support: Your friend may want to talk about this more to understand how making a joke contributes to a culture that is hurtful to other people. Be prepared to help them understand how what they say has an impact on other people. 

I-SAS - Indirect Examples: Joke

• If someone is making a harmful joke, online or in-person, you can say that you don’t get it, can you explain it? Or ask what did you mean by that? It can help people to realize it isn’t funny and is problematic if they have to explain it.
• If the joke is on social media, you can report it or unfriend/ unfollow
• Support other people who were hurt or offended by the joke by listening to them and acknowledging that you didn’t think it was okay or funny either. You can ask if there is anything they want to do in response or any way you can help.  

I-SAS - Direct Example: Party

Someone is trying to get your friend/acquaintance to leave a party with them and your friend has been drinking.

• Intervene: Direct
• Share: My friend and I said we would leave this party together (it helps if you have had this conversation before the party).
• Ask: Do you want to give her your number so she can call you some other time if she wants to?
• Support: Your friend may be saying it is fine and that she wants to go with him in which case you may want to pull her aside to have a private conversation.

I-SAS - Indirect Examples: Party

• If you see someone looking uncomfortable at a party/event, you can join the conversation and get a feel for the situation before deciding how to engage. You can do something like saying you are excited to see them and tell them you want to introduce them to someone else who is in a different room.
• You could bring snacks around to different people at the party, focusing on the people you are concerned about.
• You might use a diversion like, “I am hungry, will you come grab food with me?,” or “I am not feeling this party. Let’s go somewhere else,” or “I can’t find my phone, will you help me look for it?”
• Start a group activity such as a dance party or game.

SNACK MAN!!!

Supporting peers in disclosure

• There is no one way that people act when they have experienced trauma - trauma effects how our brains, memories, and hormones function along with our felt experiences.
• Be present to the person, listen, and do not try to fix the situation. You are not serving as mental health professional or legal counsel. Leave questions to investigators and professionals and respect that the survivor may not choose to share everything.
• Be affirming rather than asking questions or jumping to provide solutions or resources and respond without judgement.
• Importance of non-verbal communication and touch.

Campus Resources

Confidential services 

• • Counseling and Prevention Services (CAPS)
  • Student Health Services (SHS)
  • Sexual assault and domestic violence advocates (in SHS)

Non-confidential services

• • wichita.edu/reportit
  • Title IX & CARE Team
  • University Police

What would you do? - Disclosure

A friend discloses that they had a sexual encounter that they did not want. They feel like it was their fault because they smiled and talked with the other person, and they worry they gave them the wrong idea about what they were wanting. They also aren’t sure they remember everything clearly – they had one or two drinks… The experience is really messing with them. 

From Barrier to Bravery

• You are walking back from class at 8pm when you hear two people shouting at each other nearby, one screams “you are worthless, you can’t do anything right.”
• You see two men start to push each other in the middle of the campus, one grabs the other by the shirt and starts shaking him.
• You are at a party, and you see two people getting snuggly. Both seem pretty drunk. One whispers in the others ear and then leads them upstairs.
• You overhear someone in class making a rape joke.
• You’ve notice that your friend is constantly needing to check in with her partner. They text her a million times a day and she doesn’t seem to want to reciprocate the attention.

Keep in Mind: Personal Safety

• Stay calm
• Gather as much information as possible
• Consider options - direct/indirect
• Provide support
• Know your own limits
• Keep yourself safe

On-campus: call UPD 316-978-3450

Off-campus: call 911

Prevention and Cultural Shift

• Slow down and notice if you can help someone around you.
• Practice helping in ways that feel easy, and you will be better prepared to help in ways that are less comfortable.
• Connect to campus and help others get connected
• Commit to fostering healthy relationships in your life that build-up the people around you regardless of skin color, religion, gender identity, ability or where they were born.

Questions & Program Evaluation

Please take out your phone and scan the QR Code using your camera to access the evaluation for:

Healthy Relationships &  Bystander Intervention