Haunted No Longer
When I look at the question of whether people can change, I look internally for enlightenment. I see how I have changed throughout the years. I look outside myself at the people that surround me that I've known for years and I admit that, yes, people can change. There are, however, several items that I believe are necessary for change to occur and be long-term and/or permanent. I think that for change to last, the desire for change must be personal, it must be personally desired, and it must be a change for yourself, not for others.
For myself, I can see a progression of how I've grown and learned. When I was between the ages of six and nine, I faced physical, psychological, and sexual abuse at the hands of my older brother, both at home and, through my brother's actions and encouragement of others, at school. The sexual abuse tapered off around the age of nine, and the other abuse tapered off slowly at both locations and had mostly stopped by the time I was about fourteen. This experience destroyed the basic trust that I had in my family, even though I was actively trying to disguise the abuse, I was hurt that no other family members noticed what was happening or the effects of it. This lack of trust came into play in my teen years through a constant stream of personal rejections, both platonic and romantic. This served to further cement my own internal personal tragedy with me at the center and pushed me further away from people that were unlike myself to the point that I became jaded. Even among those friends and family that I was close to, there was always an issue of trust.
Throughout the abuse and the following years, I grew and examined the issues I was
developing, usually following episodes of self-harm or attempted suicide. When I hit
that particular breaking point, I tried each time to recover and to make a change
in myself that would improve my situation. This finally led me to my first marriage
when I was twenty-two. That marriage, when it ended, was the culmination of all the
negativity that I had experienced and showed me the depth to which I was capable of
sinking. That experience ultimately was my biggest breaking point and I decided that,
never again would I end up there. After the divorce, I focused on what changes I felt
I needed to be happy with my life, and more importantly, with myself. I elected to
change and worked to recover my sense of trust in those around me, because I realized
that that was the basis of my negative experiences. I ended my role of passively accepting
the things that made me feel miserable. I also put an end to my constant seeking for
people to approve of me, and worked to be more assertive about my needs, wants, and
desires. The final, and most important, change I made was I put an end to my personal
tragedy and stopped the idea that I am a victim of circumstance. Instead, I'm a survivor
of the worst that life could throw my way.
My experiences pushed me toward the counseling field and the urge to help and heal
others. When I first started to feel that urge, I found myself being approached by
friends and family that wanted to talk about their issues with me, sensing that I
was a decent listener. In this stage, I was in the role of an advisor. One thing that
definitely helped me grow from that point was the crises that my friends and family
approached me with; ranging from the trivial all the way to suicidal crisis. I learned
to listen, rather than advise.
I've come a long way from where I began and I know that I've grown in ways I could
never have imagined. It would never have occurred to me then that this is the direction
it would push me in. However, I do feel that I've made significant growth personally
and that I've also grown significantly as a counselor. My view of human nature has
grown as well as my idea that change is a personal process and is personally motivated.
Despite all the progress I've made though, I know that I've got a long way to go.
But it is a journey that I hope I can continue to grow and prosper through.
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